So today started out fine, not great I might add due to my episodes currently taking over. But I got up, washed and dressed (I adulted which took effort I might add). The kiddies have been visiting my younger brother and godmother in Huddersfield and they are due back tomorrow. So hubby and me thought as today was our last day kiddyless we would do a car boot and get rid of all that stored up rubbish in the garage. But mother nature had other ideas and thought showers along with strong gusts of wind, and thought people running around after their belongings would be fun and I didn't agree. So we unloaded the car we'd spent ages using our tetris skills the night before getting the stuff into, and decided to go do some last minute errands in Colchester.
We're mainly done, which was difficult my hubby letting me almost cut of blood from his hand where I'm squeezing it so tight, and I decide I want a hot dog. So me walking scoffing down the hot dog thought I'd be fine waiting outside CEX whilst hubby had a quick look. I'm standing looking anywhere apart from towards any sign of human life and these people come a long the street shouting at each other. Panic attack stirring I try to finish my hot dog in two bites but I couldn't chew and swallow quick enough, fear was taking over but luckily for me hubby had heard and knew how is be, he cave straight out gave me a hug and said the two greatest words you can hear when in full blown panic mode "we're going".
We then head to the coast slowly and thinking it's a Sunday and the weather wasn't great it wouldn't be too busy. So we park up and head to the pier, then everything in my head becomes a jumble even the toilets were busy and small (bring on the clostrophobia), and anyone suffering with this level of anxiety will tell you, you can smell everything and I mean EVERYTHING!! And those toilets were...well there's no words to describe those toilets. We then went into the arcade, it was OK at first I'd found a little machine I seemed to be a pro at and it was out the way. It was when we decided to raid the 2p machines that the major issues started. Most people were crowded around in groups, so is choose a machine away from the people but the people kept moving. The fear and panic started to rise even more, there were people everywhere. I wanted to be sick, I felt teary but also irritable and breathless, I told hubby I couldn't do anymore so we went to cash up or tickets... Well the queue to get prizes was worse, you had noise from every direction, people pushing wanting to see items, people shouting at each other even though they were next to each other. Kids screaming, not upset screaming or joy screaming, that scream kids do when they want attention or to be listened to buy the parent isn't paying them attention. We decided to give the tickets to my kiddies when they get home as no doubt when they stay at nanny's they'll pop to the pier. I got it off the mess of people and physically couldn't move. My brain felt like it had stopped me so it could try to reset due to overload, I don't think it was for long but I can't remember. From that point all my brain kept telling me was I wanted to go home. Hubby wanted candy floss so we looked at stalls all the way back to the car but no where had any, it wag like there's a candyfloss shortage, so of course that makes me feel worse. All the build up of panic in me and still in me yo some extent has made me feel sick, it's like theres something blocking the bottom of my throat, my body aches from being so tense. I'm tired, my head hurts, I can't think of concentrate (it's taken ages to write this) and all I want to do is go to sleep! But my head is so messy that I can't drift off.
I hope this has given some of you a small glimpse of what anxiety can do and how it can make those who are affected feel emotionally and physically.
Thanks for reading xx
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